In which Kirstie dusts off the blog to bitch about being a dud
So, if you haven't noticed, I don't have a kid. Not by choice, but because my body has decided hormonal anarchy is the best option for everyone (I beg to differ) and refuses to let me ovulate on my own. I am infertile. I am working on being okay with this.
If you ever have the "privilege" to use United Healthcare for infertility uh, I would avoid it. Every single time I have had to get injectables (3x now), we've had to argue with them. Now, in the latest debacle, a med they had previously approved they refuse to now because "I don't meet criteria" how the actual hell do I not meet criteria? I DON'T OVULATE ON MY OWN AND THAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THE MEDICATION IN QUESTION. Also, they will only pay $5,000 lifetime max for meds. If you are so lucky to not be aware, FERTILITY MEDICATIONS ARE EXPENSIVE AF. One round of Menopur is almost $1,500. Gonal-F is more than that. And that's just the medications, I'm leaving out any procedures because I HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN THERE YET BECAUSE MY PREVIOUS THREE CYCLES HAVE BEEN CANCELLED DUE TO UNDERPERFORMANCE (ovaries, you rude assholes).
So yeah, in addition to being stressed out that I can't naturally have a kid, I also get the joy of being a financial burden. Luckily, Cody is very patient and kind, and we both have good jobs but are you freaking kidding me? Yes, I might sound bitter, because y'know what? I am. Most days are totally fine, thanks to therapy and my anxiety meds. (God bless modern medicine sometimes) (also, in another post, I may talk about my therapy AS A FORM OF THERAPY WOW) It's days like these last few though that just kill. I'm not looking for sympathy (unless that sympathy comes in the form of money hahahahaha kidding!!! [but no srsly]), I just wanted to vent and make some of you aware that infertility isn't all sunshine and roses (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Oh boy if only).
I do check Facebook every now and again but I avoid it because i am incapable of knowing when to quit. I scroll and I scroll and I scroll because hey, kid picture!, or friend made an update!, or hahahafunnydoggoohmygod and then BAM. WHAMMY. "Our family is expanding by 1!!" And into a tailspin I go. Every pregnancy announcement kills me. I am SO happy for you and god bless I love pictures of your kids but man, I'm sad for me, & Cody, & my family who just want that level of joy too. So if you're pregnant and reading this please PLEASE know that I'm not ignoring your news, I'm just protecting myself. I've done a really good job so far at building myself up and allowing myself to feel my feelings and get them out in a heathy way but at some point, I have to tap out and protect myself from things that make me sad because I can only take so much. I want more than anything to participate and go to your baby showers and talk pregnancy with you but if I do that right now, I'm likely to 1)burst into tears and ruin your party or 2)sound like a reeeeeeal asshole. I would like to prevent both of those things from happening for your sake, let alone mine.
Long story short: I'm sad, I'm frustrated, and I want to be a good friend but right now, I really can't be, and I deeply apologize for that. One day hopefully soon I will be able to not be The Worst. Things will get better one way or another.
If you ever have the "privilege" to use United Healthcare for infertility uh, I would avoid it. Every single time I have had to get injectables (3x now), we've had to argue with them. Now, in the latest debacle, a med they had previously approved they refuse to now because "I don't meet criteria" how the actual hell do I not meet criteria? I DON'T OVULATE ON MY OWN AND THAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THE MEDICATION IN QUESTION. Also, they will only pay $5,000 lifetime max for meds. If you are so lucky to not be aware, FERTILITY MEDICATIONS ARE EXPENSIVE AF. One round of Menopur is almost $1,500. Gonal-F is more than that. And that's just the medications, I'm leaving out any procedures because I HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN THERE YET BECAUSE MY PREVIOUS THREE CYCLES HAVE BEEN CANCELLED DUE TO UNDERPERFORMANCE (ovaries, you rude assholes).
So yeah, in addition to being stressed out that I can't naturally have a kid, I also get the joy of being a financial burden. Luckily, Cody is very patient and kind, and we both have good jobs but are you freaking kidding me? Yes, I might sound bitter, because y'know what? I am. Most days are totally fine, thanks to therapy and my anxiety meds. (God bless modern medicine sometimes) (also, in another post, I may talk about my therapy AS A FORM OF THERAPY WOW) It's days like these last few though that just kill. I'm not looking for sympathy (unless that sympathy comes in the form of money hahahahaha kidding!!! [but no srsly]), I just wanted to vent and make some of you aware that infertility isn't all sunshine and roses (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Oh boy if only).
I do check Facebook every now and again but I avoid it because i am incapable of knowing when to quit. I scroll and I scroll and I scroll because hey, kid picture!, or friend made an update!, or hahahafunnydoggoohmygod and then BAM. WHAMMY. "Our family is expanding by 1!!" And into a tailspin I go. Every pregnancy announcement kills me. I am SO happy for you and god bless I love pictures of your kids but man, I'm sad for me, & Cody, & my family who just want that level of joy too. So if you're pregnant and reading this please PLEASE know that I'm not ignoring your news, I'm just protecting myself. I've done a really good job so far at building myself up and allowing myself to feel my feelings and get them out in a heathy way but at some point, I have to tap out and protect myself from things that make me sad because I can only take so much. I want more than anything to participate and go to your baby showers and talk pregnancy with you but if I do that right now, I'm likely to 1)burst into tears and ruin your party or 2)sound like a reeeeeeal asshole. I would like to prevent both of those things from happening for your sake, let alone mine.
Long story short: I'm sad, I'm frustrated, and I want to be a good friend but right now, I really can't be, and I deeply apologize for that. One day hopefully soon I will be able to not be The Worst. Things will get better one way or another.
I completely understand your frustration Kirstie!!! Have they tried putting you on a pill called Femara? That's the only thing that has helped me ovulate. I did a combo cycle to save us major money too; I used femara then a few days of shots (for the life of me I can't remember what it's called) then when that took, I took a shot of the HCG. Just giving suggestions on money saving if your doctor and you would be interested :) They also have some "leftovers" where you may be able to talk with your dr about and they are significantly cheaper too. If you ever need to talk just message me :)
ReplyDeleteYep, we did both clomid and femara max doses. Follicles got big, but estrogen went nowhere. Even 225iu of Menopur didn't get my estrogen high enough. So now we're doing IVF protocol with IUI. Pbbbllllfffff. I knew you would understand. =)
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