Sprinkle Joy

I'm tired of putting on a happy face when friends talk about their pregnancies. I'm tired of cooing over babies, wishing they were my own. I'm tired of getting bombarded by baby stuff in group texts.  I'm tired of feeling like a money drain, a bad example of a woman.  I'm tired of having my hopes up just to watch them fall when I have yet another anovulatory cycle. I'm tired of having to write the same things over and over again because nothing has changed.  I'm tired of being jealous. I'm tired of shots and needles and alarms and appointments. I'm tired of making Cody sad. I'm tired of feeling like I'm running out of time. I'm tired of avoiding pregnant women because when I'm around them too long I start to get really sad and then I end up going home and sobbing. I'm tired of sad crying. I'm tired of feeling like a shitty friend. I'm tired of feeling like I have disappointed my family, my friends, and Cody.

So, if you haven't noticed, I don't have a kid. Not by choice, but because my body has decided hormonal  anarchy is the best option for everyone (I beg to differ) and refuses to let me ovulate on my own. I am infertile. I am working on being okay with this. If you ever have the "privilege" to use United Healthcare for infertility uh, I would avoid it. Every single time I have had to get injectables (3x now), we've had to argue with them. Now, in the latest debacle, a med they had previously approved they refuse to now because "I don't meet criteria" how the actual hell do I not meet criteria? I DON'T OVULATE ON MY OWN AND THAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THE MEDICATION IN QUESTION. Also, they will only pay $5,000 lifetime max for meds. If you are so lucky to not be aware, FERTILITY MEDICATIONS ARE EXPENSIVE AF. One round of Menopur is almost $1,500. Gonal-F is more than that. And that's just the medications, I'm leaving out any procedures because